A blessing in disguise?

My back went out last week, in a real bad way. I couldn't hardly walk the first day, the second I hobbled to a chiropractor downtown. After x-rays showing many old injuries acting up and much damage from a life lived rough, the doctor ordered me to come back in a few days when the pain had let up, as he couldn't even touch me without causing me immense pain. But as I was getting ready to mince my way out of his exam room to make another appointment, he shared a substantial bit of information that contained a bundle of hope. He could possibly help with my healing. Not just my back, hips and neck, but with my PTSD, anxiety & depression. Previously unawares to me, my neck is out of place and it's pinching nerves that have much to do with psychological responses. So unkink my neck and I'm all better? Well it's never that easy, but I should be quite improved! There's a chance I could even feel well enough to lower or even wean off my meds entirely! That thought fills me with joy and hope!

"You've never flown on a Firefly before have you?" -Kaylee

Nope, but I want to.

Falling off the bandwagon,...again.

I have skipped the last 3 therapy sessions in a row, shame on me. Can't be helped if I won't go to the help right? But sometimes the help is more than I can take and I just need a breather. I go through fits of not wanting to heal only because of the fear of how much it hurts to review memories and feelings. I've had an upswing in nightmares as of late and that isn't helping me want to go and discuss them either. I need to return to my sessions, and I will, but not just yet. In my own way, I'm still working through it. I can't, after all, just ignore the nightmares and the memories that they pull into the light. I can't avoid them, I've tried. I'm not supposed to either. Sometimes it's just too much and natural instinct says Hide.

"Too much snow on the roof. Gonna cave in." - River Tam

But then, you eventually have to come out of hiding and face it all in the light. Lord give me strength.

Not another sleepless night...

Maybe when I can't sleep, I should get up & blog. Or maybe not, I don't know that I'm in my right mind when I'm lieing awake like I was last night. More like zombified. Creepy.
I wonder if the Apostles had a sleepless night last night too, so many hundreds of years ago. Today is Easter, Resurrection Day. The day our Lord Jesus rose from the dead, and gave us the hope of eternal life, since He paid for our sins on the cross. Its horrible, the pain & torture an innocent man went through so I could have a wonderful afterlife. I don't deserve that. No one does.
When I lie awake, I don't always think about my attack. But lately I have been, and I keep coming back to what my therapist refers to, as a "stuck point". Failure. I feel I have failed, that I am a failure, that if I try I will fail, if I'm tested it will result in my failing again. Failure. This says to some: "You have no self confidence." True, and false. I have some, just not as much as I used to and not in the same areas of my life. Lack of confidence is a direct result of fear of failure. When you get burnt, you fear being burnt again because you know how much it hurts. So where does confidence, or courage come from, if you only have failure to learn from? Maybe from before you were ever burnt? Trying to grasp a memory of yourself prior to your pain? I remember myself, and I miss myself from that time. I know I'll never get that 'me' back, but I have hope I can get a similar 'me' through healing and growth. There are days that hope wanes, but then something reminds me how far I've come, something reminds me of my rebirth, like Jesus was resurrected, I was reborn. Jesus wasn't the same after His Crucifixion, He was similar, but not the same as before, He was even better. I'm not the same after my attack, I never will be. I'll be even better.
Will I fail again? Yes, not in the same ways, but yes. Will I overcome those failures & keep living? Yes, because I have help this time. I have a heavenly hand holding mine and pulling me back up onto my feet every time I stumble. He never lets go. I'm still struggling with the idea of failure, but it doesn't scare me so bad. It's still one of my biggest "stuck points", but it's one that I know with time, and God's help, I'll overcome.
I don't know why I have so many sleepless nights still, 16 months after my attack, but I know those in time will lessen too. I keep praying for healing, and for strength. He never let's go.

Sharing my feelings

The other day, a gentleman we'll call "Mr. T", came to fix my window and turned out to be a real blessing. A believer himself, Mr. T shared some of his testimony and his trials. You know what made it easy for me to talk to this complete stranger? He was genuine. He was real. And he meant it when he said it. Even better, he meant it when he prayed and he prayed for me right there in my living room! I even gave the guy a big hug without even thinking and thanked him for the fellowship. What a great reminder to me, to be Real for Him. Thanks Mr. T, God bless you sir!

Sleep is an old friend I'd like to run into again...

Yes, Sleep, I've really missed you. I know I see you a little, here & there most nights. But we never really hang out anymore. You know when I used to see you EVERY night, for like, 7 hours at least? Yeahhh, those were the days, man. Those were the good times. *sigh*
Oh to be able to truly sleep through the night and wake up rested, and without that icky cold sweat business. To not see faces in the dark, to not hear, smell & taste things I'd rather never again. To not lie awake, staring at the shapes the street lamps make on my ceiling, because I ache too much to get up, but I can't sleep. Nightmares I can live with, I have after all. But the not sleeping at all? Or worse still, finally falling asleep, only to wake 20 minutes later, over and over, til my alarm blares in my ear and then feel so exhausted I can't even drag my butt out of bed. Yes, I slept much better over 15 months ago, and I look forward to sleeping again.
While I'm not super dedicated to this just yet, I can say it helps. Thank you Lord for Your mercy.

When the time is right...

Do good things really come to those who wait? I don't quite believe so, but healing can. From the things I've read concerning my situation, the average length of time it's taken the survivors to find themselves able to forgive their attackers, has been 10-15 years. Dear Lord, I hope I don't take that long! I want to forgive him, he's a lost child of God, created by my Heavenly Father & loved by Him, just like me. But I have layers and layers of emotions to peel off first. Anger, humiliation, grief, fear, rage, anxiety, numbness, and a plethora of others.

I work through each one as they come, and come again. I look forward to the day when they don't bombard me so. In te beginning, I had to live minute by minute. After a few weeks I graduated to hour to hour. Now I'm kind of between day to day and week to week. My verse today: I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

This verse is actually a wall decal on my living room wall, so I can look at it nearly all the time. It's my reminder to keep ploughing on, because I have Him to help me along, I can't fail, He won't let me.

Living day to day will get easier, because He is holding my hand. And one day, one year, hopefully much sooner than a decade, with Jesus' help, I'll forgive him.

Talketh the heart, to heal thy head...

My head hasn't been right for over a year now, since I suffered a tragic encounter with a co-worker, who wouldn't take "no" for an answer. People have told me since then; to never blame myself, it wasn't my fault, I couldn't have known what he had planned. There's no way to go back and change it. You can only keep living and keep healing.

That's part of what this is, journaling my thoughts to keep track of my progress. And just a place to give 'voice' to my thoughts.





Just like Mal, I'm just looking for some Serenity. Granted, I won't likely find it in the form of a space ship, but I may find it in a new direction in my life. My former career, also like Mal, was mililtary and that career is no more with no chance of resurrection. Can I forget it? No. Do I want to? Sometimes. Does my expiriences both help & haunt me these days? You betcha! More than you can imagine. But I'm going to keep surviving, because the alternative has been considered and has been found wanting.

"...Burn the land and boil the sea, you can't take the sky from me."


The verse I'm clinging to today:

James 4:8

Come near to God and He will come near to you.