Escape? Am I sure?

Sometimes you just can't handle the memories, or the things that invoke them. Sometimes you feel the need to just get away from it, because you're just not strong enough to deal with it. Not yet, and you don't know when you will be. I spent the previous month just trying to keep somewhat sane. So many things put me on edge, I was spending more energy just trying to keep from snapping that I kept passing out cold in sheer exhaustion. Everything seemed to remind me, every man I saw was him, my heart was always pounding. Now, my family & I are about to move a ways away, and the stress from that certainly didn't help matters any. But I'll be away from more things, places & people that remind me of things I can't handle thinking about. Am I running away? Is this my escape? Am I a coward because I'm not ready to handle the processing my mind needs to do to heal? So what if I am. I'm tired of being forced to heal at the pace others think I should. According to my therapist, I have already crossed many great hurdles. I'll get it, but I'll get it in my time. And if that means I'm escaping it, well, for now I am.

Somethin' just ain't right...

As jacked up as Jayne is in this shot, that's how bad I have been feeling. Only I don't have any guns to shoot. Once again, sleep is the number one culprit, leading the way for jumpiness, flashbacks and more bloody nightmares. A sidekick to sleep loss, I believe, is the waiting to hear that my attacker has finally been completely let go from the exact same job I lost because of him. My career was demolished, most folks would say it's only fair that his is too. But "Vengeance is Mine, saith the Lord." Part of me is very glad, maybe he won't harm anyone else, maybe he's learned his lesson. I can only hope this is the case. The rest of me is a confused bundle of bitterness and sorrow. I had a good thing going, til it all came crashing down, because I wasn't going to let him get away with what he did. I spoke up. Made my superiours look bad, they tried to sweep it under the rug. But I had a few champions in my corner, who weren't willing to let me be denied some justice. They stood for me, when I wasn't capable of standing. I owe a lot to my advocates. I'm grateful they were there for me. People who should have been there for me, weren't. Maybe they were ashamed of me, maybe they didn't want to believe it. Either way, selfishly, they weren't there when I needed them the most. Making those who were there, look even more the hero.

My memories are like the Reavers, and they'll tear me apart if I let them. I can hardly face the nightmares. A man was waiting behind me in line at the petrol counter yesterday, and he wasn't even terribly close to me, just there. I couldn't handle it, I nearly ran out once my transaction was done. I can't live like this. It'll get better, I know it will, it'll get better, I just keep telling myself....

"Burn the land and boil the sea, you can't take the sky from me!"

In less than two months' time, we'll be moved into our first home. It's not been easy, it's been very stressful in fact. And the stress isn't over, not by a long shot. I still have much to do with the banks, mortgage company, collecting documentation, and arguing with stupid people...(long story that I'm not sharing). Then there's the grief the current home landlords are giving me. On top of packing, cleaning & down-sizing. The stress is wearing me thin, breaking down my mental barriers that keep the hell hounds of my memories at bay. My sleeping issues have returned with a vengeance. I get perhaps 4hrs a night now, and not always consecutive. The plus side of less sleep; less dreams. The downside; excessive irritability due to sheer exhaustion. I don't have the patience to deal with petty annoyances. I snap very easily. And I in turn regret my behaviour. And especially when it's directed toward someone innocent. A lot of prayers are being directed to my mental health, even more than towards the process of the house buying and moving. I'll get through this, as will my family, and I know they'll still keep loving me. I look forward to the day, when normal stresses don't cause me to snap like a maniac.

At our new home, there'll be more freedom for us, no annoying landlord to harass us & no Nazi-like rules to suffocate us. They can't take the sky from us!

Crew Mates for life

I took a huge step back towards normalcy by taking a huge step into the unknown. I got remarried. This time, to a good man.

 So while a good & loving marriage is something new to me, I met this new adventure with excitement and hope. I have found my crew mate, my beloved, my Wash. We are compatible and a united front, and just different & odd enough to keep things humorously interesting.

I love my husband, next to becoming a born again believer in Christ Jesus, he's the best thing to happen to me, tieing with having my kids. He has helped with my healing and continues to do so. He's my hero.

Tha gaol agam oirbh mo duine.

A blessing in disguise?

My back went out last week, in a real bad way. I couldn't hardly walk the first day, the second I hobbled to a chiropractor downtown. After x-rays showing many old injuries acting up and much damage from a life lived rough, the doctor ordered me to come back in a few days when the pain had let up, as he couldn't even touch me without causing me immense pain. But as I was getting ready to mince my way out of his exam room to make another appointment, he shared a substantial bit of information that contained a bundle of hope. He could possibly help with my healing. Not just my back, hips and neck, but with my PTSD, anxiety & depression. Previously unawares to me, my neck is out of place and it's pinching nerves that have much to do with psychological responses. So unkink my neck and I'm all better? Well it's never that easy, but I should be quite improved! There's a chance I could even feel well enough to lower or even wean off my meds entirely! That thought fills me with joy and hope!

"You've never flown on a Firefly before have you?" -Kaylee

Nope, but I want to.

Falling off the bandwagon,...again.

I have skipped the last 3 therapy sessions in a row, shame on me. Can't be helped if I won't go to the help right? But sometimes the help is more than I can take and I just need a breather. I go through fits of not wanting to heal only because of the fear of how much it hurts to review memories and feelings. I've had an upswing in nightmares as of late and that isn't helping me want to go and discuss them either. I need to return to my sessions, and I will, but not just yet. In my own way, I'm still working through it. I can't, after all, just ignore the nightmares and the memories that they pull into the light. I can't avoid them, I've tried. I'm not supposed to either. Sometimes it's just too much and natural instinct says Hide.

"Too much snow on the roof. Gonna cave in." - River Tam

But then, you eventually have to come out of hiding and face it all in the light. Lord give me strength.

Not another sleepless night...

Maybe when I can't sleep, I should get up & blog. Or maybe not, I don't know that I'm in my right mind when I'm lieing awake like I was last night. More like zombified. Creepy.
I wonder if the Apostles had a sleepless night last night too, so many hundreds of years ago. Today is Easter, Resurrection Day. The day our Lord Jesus rose from the dead, and gave us the hope of eternal life, since He paid for our sins on the cross. Its horrible, the pain & torture an innocent man went through so I could have a wonderful afterlife. I don't deserve that. No one does.
When I lie awake, I don't always think about my attack. But lately I have been, and I keep coming back to what my therapist refers to, as a "stuck point". Failure. I feel I have failed, that I am a failure, that if I try I will fail, if I'm tested it will result in my failing again. Failure. This says to some: "You have no self confidence." True, and false. I have some, just not as much as I used to and not in the same areas of my life. Lack of confidence is a direct result of fear of failure. When you get burnt, you fear being burnt again because you know how much it hurts. So where does confidence, or courage come from, if you only have failure to learn from? Maybe from before you were ever burnt? Trying to grasp a memory of yourself prior to your pain? I remember myself, and I miss myself from that time. I know I'll never get that 'me' back, but I have hope I can get a similar 'me' through healing and growth. There are days that hope wanes, but then something reminds me how far I've come, something reminds me of my rebirth, like Jesus was resurrected, I was reborn. Jesus wasn't the same after His Crucifixion, He was similar, but not the same as before, He was even better. I'm not the same after my attack, I never will be. I'll be even better.
Will I fail again? Yes, not in the same ways, but yes. Will I overcome those failures & keep living? Yes, because I have help this time. I have a heavenly hand holding mine and pulling me back up onto my feet every time I stumble. He never lets go. I'm still struggling with the idea of failure, but it doesn't scare me so bad. It's still one of my biggest "stuck points", but it's one that I know with time, and God's help, I'll overcome.
I don't know why I have so many sleepless nights still, 16 months after my attack, but I know those in time will lessen too. I keep praying for healing, and for strength. He never let's go.