Maybe when I can't sleep, I should get up & blog. Or maybe not, I don't know that I'm in my right mind when I'm lieing awake like I was last night. More like zombified. Creepy.
I wonder if the Apostles had a sleepless night last night too, so many hundreds of years ago. Today is Easter, Resurrection Day. The day our Lord Jesus rose from the dead, and gave us the hope of eternal life, since He paid for our sins on the cross. Its horrible, the pain & torture an innocent man went through so I could have a wonderful afterlife. I don't deserve that. No one does.
When I lie awake, I don't always think about my attack. But lately I have been, and I keep coming back to what my therapist refers to, as a "stuck point". Failure. I feel I have failed, that I am a failure, that if I try I will fail, if I'm tested it will result in my failing again. Failure. This says to some: "You have no self confidence." True, and false. I have some, just not as much as I used to and not in the same areas of my life. Lack of confidence is a direct result of fear of failure. When you get burnt, you fear being burnt again because you know how much it hurts. So where does confidence, or courage come from, if you only have failure to learn from? Maybe from before you were ever burnt? Trying to grasp a memory of yourself prior to your pain? I remember myself, and I miss myself from that time. I know I'll never get that 'me' back, but I have hope I can get a similar 'me' through healing and growth. There are days that hope wanes, but then something reminds me how far I've come, something reminds me of my rebirth, like Jesus was resurrected, I was reborn. Jesus wasn't the same after His Crucifixion, He was similar, but not the same as before, He was even better. I'm not the same after my attack, I never will be. I'll be even better.
Will I fail again? Yes, not in the same ways, but yes. Will I overcome those failures & keep living? Yes, because I have help this time. I have a heavenly hand holding mine and pulling me back up onto my feet every time I stumble. He never lets go. I'm still struggling with the idea of failure, but it doesn't scare me so bad. It's still one of my biggest "stuck points", but it's one that I know with time, and God's help, I'll overcome.
I don't know why I have so many sleepless nights still, 16 months after my attack, but I know those in time will lessen too. I keep praying for healing, and for strength. He never let's go.
