Somethin' just ain't right...

As jacked up as Jayne is in this shot, that's how bad I have been feeling. Only I don't have any guns to shoot. Once again, sleep is the number one culprit, leading the way for jumpiness, flashbacks and more bloody nightmares. A sidekick to sleep loss, I believe, is the waiting to hear that my attacker has finally been completely let go from the exact same job I lost because of him. My career was demolished, most folks would say it's only fair that his is too. But "Vengeance is Mine, saith the Lord." Part of me is very glad, maybe he won't harm anyone else, maybe he's learned his lesson. I can only hope this is the case. The rest of me is a confused bundle of bitterness and sorrow. I had a good thing going, til it all came crashing down, because I wasn't going to let him get away with what he did. I spoke up. Made my superiours look bad, they tried to sweep it under the rug. But I had a few champions in my corner, who weren't willing to let me be denied some justice. They stood for me, when I wasn't capable of standing. I owe a lot to my advocates. I'm grateful they were there for me. People who should have been there for me, weren't. Maybe they were ashamed of me, maybe they didn't want to believe it. Either way, selfishly, they weren't there when I needed them the most. Making those who were there, look even more the hero.

My memories are like the Reavers, and they'll tear me apart if I let them. I can hardly face the nightmares. A man was waiting behind me in line at the petrol counter yesterday, and he wasn't even terribly close to me, just there. I couldn't handle it, I nearly ran out once my transaction was done. I can't live like this. It'll get better, I know it will, it'll get better, I just keep telling myself....

"Burn the land and boil the sea, you can't take the sky from me!"

In less than two months' time, we'll be moved into our first home. It's not been easy, it's been very stressful in fact. And the stress isn't over, not by a long shot. I still have much to do with the banks, mortgage company, collecting documentation, and arguing with stupid people...(long story that I'm not sharing). Then there's the grief the current home landlords are giving me. On top of packing, cleaning & down-sizing. The stress is wearing me thin, breaking down my mental barriers that keep the hell hounds of my memories at bay. My sleeping issues have returned with a vengeance. I get perhaps 4hrs a night now, and not always consecutive. The plus side of less sleep; less dreams. The downside; excessive irritability due to sheer exhaustion. I don't have the patience to deal with petty annoyances. I snap very easily. And I in turn regret my behaviour. And especially when it's directed toward someone innocent. A lot of prayers are being directed to my mental health, even more than towards the process of the house buying and moving. I'll get through this, as will my family, and I know they'll still keep loving me. I look forward to the day, when normal stresses don't cause me to snap like a maniac.

At our new home, there'll be more freedom for us, no annoying landlord to harass us & no Nazi-like rules to suffocate us. They can't take the sky from us!