This year...

The anniversary of my attack passed this year without too much trouble or tears, I'm happy to report. The days leading up to it saw a massive violent rage fit and many many tears shed. The day of, passed with out incident, no dreams, no flashbacks, not even the smallest reminder. I actually questioned if I had the day correct. That lead me to a thought, has my mind fixated on the date? I know the time of year reminds me, when it has snowed and the temp gets to a certain point and it's dark outside, I remember things without wanting to. Even if it's not near the date, I remember. I've identified those conditions as a trigger. It's only been a few days since, but I already feel as though I've crested a peak in my year and can start relaxing again. I'm still a tad mopey and I have been daily running through the week as though it were happening all over again, the aftermath was nearly as bad as the event! But this year, I feel as though there's a thick fog keeping it from touching me too hard, and I'm watching it play out again like a show on a projector screen. Large and in my face, but fairly harmless.
I asked my husband the morning of, if he thought from his prospective, if I've improved at all this year. He said he did think I had gained a little more control and I'm making progress. He, as usual, was very comforting and as always, a steady rock bolstering me up. Thank you Lord for him!
All in all, I have some encouragement, that I'm getting better and next year may even be easier to pass through! All I can do is rest & hope in the Lord. I know everything will be alright one day.

In which I creep from my sick bed, just to blog...

I'm almost half way through my last pregnancy, and I'm sick with God-knows-what. One of my children is sick as well, but we know it's the flu for certain. My poor baby is miserable, and I really can't do much to help him.
On an unrelated note, I've been having a lot of flashbacks and moments of involuntary reflection lately. I don't have another appointment until Halloween. My sleep loss is unchanged, not worse and not any better. How much is due to my mental health and how much is due to my pregnancy is uncertain. When I do sleep, it's deep enough that if I am dreaming, I'm unawares. This is good, at least that means no nightmares bothering me. I have felt extra 'clingy' to my husband lately, needing reassurance for no apparent reason. I think he's picking up on this too, because he's meeting that need more and more before I even "ask". Thank you God for a good intuitive man! Knowing I have a man willing to meet the challenges that having a wife with PTSD can present, brings me a lot of peace and comfort. I know I can count on him to be there.
Also recently, a well known man, CNN founder Ted Turner made an asinine comment that made me wish i could reach out and slap him. He made remarks to the tune of: " I think it's good soldiers are committing suicide in large amounts." Really? His reasoning was along the lines of that they were killing themselves because they had a severe aversion to war and the "immoral acts" they are directed to commit. Aside from the fact this guy makes me sick(er), I can't say I'm surprised coming from Hanoi Jane's ex husband. Go figure right? Well buddy, this is one soldier who hasn't killed herself, because special folks took the time to help me see I had more to live for and that I could heal. I am blessed, I was saved. Sadly, not everyone gets the chance I got, and they become a statistic for douche bags like Turner to comment on. If i could send out a heartfelt message to all my brothers & sisters out there, struggling like I have and still do, I'd tell them, "don't give up, it's not worth throwing in the towel, not yet." I'm not giving up, I've already tasted the sweetness of healing. That's pushing me on. I want to get better again. THAT is worth it, for me, my husband, my kids, my friends, everyone who cares about me and has been touched by this. I'm not going to let PTSD win. Take that Mr. Turner.

Escape? Am I sure?

Sometimes you just can't handle the memories, or the things that invoke them. Sometimes you feel the need to just get away from it, because you're just not strong enough to deal with it. Not yet, and you don't know when you will be. I spent the previous month just trying to keep somewhat sane. So many things put me on edge, I was spending more energy just trying to keep from snapping that I kept passing out cold in sheer exhaustion. Everything seemed to remind me, every man I saw was him, my heart was always pounding. Now, my family & I are about to move a ways away, and the stress from that certainly didn't help matters any. But I'll be away from more things, places & people that remind me of things I can't handle thinking about. Am I running away? Is this my escape? Am I a coward because I'm not ready to handle the processing my mind needs to do to heal? So what if I am. I'm tired of being forced to heal at the pace others think I should. According to my therapist, I have already crossed many great hurdles. I'll get it, but I'll get it in my time. And if that means I'm escaping it, well, for now I am.

Somethin' just ain't right...

As jacked up as Jayne is in this shot, that's how bad I have been feeling. Only I don't have any guns to shoot. Once again, sleep is the number one culprit, leading the way for jumpiness, flashbacks and more bloody nightmares. A sidekick to sleep loss, I believe, is the waiting to hear that my attacker has finally been completely let go from the exact same job I lost because of him. My career was demolished, most folks would say it's only fair that his is too. But "Vengeance is Mine, saith the Lord." Part of me is very glad, maybe he won't harm anyone else, maybe he's learned his lesson. I can only hope this is the case. The rest of me is a confused bundle of bitterness and sorrow. I had a good thing going, til it all came crashing down, because I wasn't going to let him get away with what he did. I spoke up. Made my superiours look bad, they tried to sweep it under the rug. But I had a few champions in my corner, who weren't willing to let me be denied some justice. They stood for me, when I wasn't capable of standing. I owe a lot to my advocates. I'm grateful they were there for me. People who should have been there for me, weren't. Maybe they were ashamed of me, maybe they didn't want to believe it. Either way, selfishly, they weren't there when I needed them the most. Making those who were there, look even more the hero.

My memories are like the Reavers, and they'll tear me apart if I let them. I can hardly face the nightmares. A man was waiting behind me in line at the petrol counter yesterday, and he wasn't even terribly close to me, just there. I couldn't handle it, I nearly ran out once my transaction was done. I can't live like this. It'll get better, I know it will, it'll get better, I just keep telling myself....

"Burn the land and boil the sea, you can't take the sky from me!"

In less than two months' time, we'll be moved into our first home. It's not been easy, it's been very stressful in fact. And the stress isn't over, not by a long shot. I still have much to do with the banks, mortgage company, collecting documentation, and arguing with stupid people...(long story that I'm not sharing). Then there's the grief the current home landlords are giving me. On top of packing, cleaning & down-sizing. The stress is wearing me thin, breaking down my mental barriers that keep the hell hounds of my memories at bay. My sleeping issues have returned with a vengeance. I get perhaps 4hrs a night now, and not always consecutive. The plus side of less sleep; less dreams. The downside; excessive irritability due to sheer exhaustion. I don't have the patience to deal with petty annoyances. I snap very easily. And I in turn regret my behaviour. And especially when it's directed toward someone innocent. A lot of prayers are being directed to my mental health, even more than towards the process of the house buying and moving. I'll get through this, as will my family, and I know they'll still keep loving me. I look forward to the day, when normal stresses don't cause me to snap like a maniac.

At our new home, there'll be more freedom for us, no annoying landlord to harass us & no Nazi-like rules to suffocate us. They can't take the sky from us!

Crew Mates for life

I took a huge step back towards normalcy by taking a huge step into the unknown. I got remarried. This time, to a good man.

 So while a good & loving marriage is something new to me, I met this new adventure with excitement and hope. I have found my crew mate, my beloved, my Wash. We are compatible and a united front, and just different & odd enough to keep things humorously interesting.

I love my husband, next to becoming a born again believer in Christ Jesus, he's the best thing to happen to me, tieing with having my kids. He has helped with my healing and continues to do so. He's my hero.

Tha gaol agam oirbh mo duine.

A blessing in disguise?

My back went out last week, in a real bad way. I couldn't hardly walk the first day, the second I hobbled to a chiropractor downtown. After x-rays showing many old injuries acting up and much damage from a life lived rough, the doctor ordered me to come back in a few days when the pain had let up, as he couldn't even touch me without causing me immense pain. But as I was getting ready to mince my way out of his exam room to make another appointment, he shared a substantial bit of information that contained a bundle of hope. He could possibly help with my healing. Not just my back, hips and neck, but with my PTSD, anxiety & depression. Previously unawares to me, my neck is out of place and it's pinching nerves that have much to do with psychological responses. So unkink my neck and I'm all better? Well it's never that easy, but I should be quite improved! There's a chance I could even feel well enough to lower or even wean off my meds entirely! That thought fills me with joy and hope!

"You've never flown on a Firefly before have you?" -Kaylee

Nope, but I want to.

Falling off the bandwagon,...again.

I have skipped the last 3 therapy sessions in a row, shame on me. Can't be helped if I won't go to the help right? But sometimes the help is more than I can take and I just need a breather. I go through fits of not wanting to heal only because of the fear of how much it hurts to review memories and feelings. I've had an upswing in nightmares as of late and that isn't helping me want to go and discuss them either. I need to return to my sessions, and I will, but not just yet. In my own way, I'm still working through it. I can't, after all, just ignore the nightmares and the memories that they pull into the light. I can't avoid them, I've tried. I'm not supposed to either. Sometimes it's just too much and natural instinct says Hide.

"Too much snow on the roof. Gonna cave in." - River Tam

But then, you eventually have to come out of hiding and face it all in the light. Lord give me strength.

Not another sleepless night...

Maybe when I can't sleep, I should get up & blog. Or maybe not, I don't know that I'm in my right mind when I'm lieing awake like I was last night. More like zombified. Creepy.
I wonder if the Apostles had a sleepless night last night too, so many hundreds of years ago. Today is Easter, Resurrection Day. The day our Lord Jesus rose from the dead, and gave us the hope of eternal life, since He paid for our sins on the cross. Its horrible, the pain & torture an innocent man went through so I could have a wonderful afterlife. I don't deserve that. No one does.
When I lie awake, I don't always think about my attack. But lately I have been, and I keep coming back to what my therapist refers to, as a "stuck point". Failure. I feel I have failed, that I am a failure, that if I try I will fail, if I'm tested it will result in my failing again. Failure. This says to some: "You have no self confidence." True, and false. I have some, just not as much as I used to and not in the same areas of my life. Lack of confidence is a direct result of fear of failure. When you get burnt, you fear being burnt again because you know how much it hurts. So where does confidence, or courage come from, if you only have failure to learn from? Maybe from before you were ever burnt? Trying to grasp a memory of yourself prior to your pain? I remember myself, and I miss myself from that time. I know I'll never get that 'me' back, but I have hope I can get a similar 'me' through healing and growth. There are days that hope wanes, but then something reminds me how far I've come, something reminds me of my rebirth, like Jesus was resurrected, I was reborn. Jesus wasn't the same after His Crucifixion, He was similar, but not the same as before, He was even better. I'm not the same after my attack, I never will be. I'll be even better.
Will I fail again? Yes, not in the same ways, but yes. Will I overcome those failures & keep living? Yes, because I have help this time. I have a heavenly hand holding mine and pulling me back up onto my feet every time I stumble. He never lets go. I'm still struggling with the idea of failure, but it doesn't scare me so bad. It's still one of my biggest "stuck points", but it's one that I know with time, and God's help, I'll overcome.
I don't know why I have so many sleepless nights still, 16 months after my attack, but I know those in time will lessen too. I keep praying for healing, and for strength. He never let's go.

Sharing my feelings

The other day, a gentleman we'll call "Mr. T", came to fix my window and turned out to be a real blessing. A believer himself, Mr. T shared some of his testimony and his trials. You know what made it easy for me to talk to this complete stranger? He was genuine. He was real. And he meant it when he said it. Even better, he meant it when he prayed and he prayed for me right there in my living room! I even gave the guy a big hug without even thinking and thanked him for the fellowship. What a great reminder to me, to be Real for Him. Thanks Mr. T, God bless you sir!

Sleep is an old friend I'd like to run into again...

Yes, Sleep, I've really missed you. I know I see you a little, here & there most nights. But we never really hang out anymore. You know when I used to see you EVERY night, for like, 7 hours at least? Yeahhh, those were the days, man. Those were the good times. *sigh*
Oh to be able to truly sleep through the night and wake up rested, and without that icky cold sweat business. To not see faces in the dark, to not hear, smell & taste things I'd rather never again. To not lie awake, staring at the shapes the street lamps make on my ceiling, because I ache too much to get up, but I can't sleep. Nightmares I can live with, I have after all. But the not sleeping at all? Or worse still, finally falling asleep, only to wake 20 minutes later, over and over, til my alarm blares in my ear and then feel so exhausted I can't even drag my butt out of bed. Yes, I slept much better over 15 months ago, and I look forward to sleeping again.
While I'm not super dedicated to this just yet, I can say it helps. Thank you Lord for Your mercy.

When the time is right...

Do good things really come to those who wait? I don't quite believe so, but healing can. From the things I've read concerning my situation, the average length of time it's taken the survivors to find themselves able to forgive their attackers, has been 10-15 years. Dear Lord, I hope I don't take that long! I want to forgive him, he's a lost child of God, created by my Heavenly Father & loved by Him, just like me. But I have layers and layers of emotions to peel off first. Anger, humiliation, grief, fear, rage, anxiety, numbness, and a plethora of others.

I work through each one as they come, and come again. I look forward to the day when they don't bombard me so. In te beginning, I had to live minute by minute. After a few weeks I graduated to hour to hour. Now I'm kind of between day to day and week to week. My verse today: I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

This verse is actually a wall decal on my living room wall, so I can look at it nearly all the time. It's my reminder to keep ploughing on, because I have Him to help me along, I can't fail, He won't let me.

Living day to day will get easier, because He is holding my hand. And one day, one year, hopefully much sooner than a decade, with Jesus' help, I'll forgive him.

Talketh the heart, to heal thy head...

My head hasn't been right for over a year now, since I suffered a tragic encounter with a co-worker, who wouldn't take "no" for an answer. People have told me since then; to never blame myself, it wasn't my fault, I couldn't have known what he had planned. There's no way to go back and change it. You can only keep living and keep healing.

That's part of what this is, journaling my thoughts to keep track of my progress. And just a place to give 'voice' to my thoughts.





Just like Mal, I'm just looking for some Serenity. Granted, I won't likely find it in the form of a space ship, but I may find it in a new direction in my life. My former career, also like Mal, was mililtary and that career is no more with no chance of resurrection. Can I forget it? No. Do I want to? Sometimes. Does my expiriences both help & haunt me these days? You betcha! More than you can imagine. But I'm going to keep surviving, because the alternative has been considered and has been found wanting.

"...Burn the land and boil the sea, you can't take the sky from me."


The verse I'm clinging to today:

James 4:8

Come near to God and He will come near to you.