Sharing my feelings

The other day, a gentleman we'll call "Mr. T", came to fix my window and turned out to be a real blessing. A believer himself, Mr. T shared some of his testimony and his trials. You know what made it easy for me to talk to this complete stranger? He was genuine. He was real. And he meant it when he said it. Even better, he meant it when he prayed and he prayed for me right there in my living room! I even gave the guy a big hug without even thinking and thanked him for the fellowship. What a great reminder to me, to be Real for Him. Thanks Mr. T, God bless you sir!

Sleep is an old friend I'd like to run into again...

Yes, Sleep, I've really missed you. I know I see you a little, here & there most nights. But we never really hang out anymore. You know when I used to see you EVERY night, for like, 7 hours at least? Yeahhh, those were the days, man. Those were the good times. *sigh*
Oh to be able to truly sleep through the night and wake up rested, and without that icky cold sweat business. To not see faces in the dark, to not hear, smell & taste things I'd rather never again. To not lie awake, staring at the shapes the street lamps make on my ceiling, because I ache too much to get up, but I can't sleep. Nightmares I can live with, I have after all. But the not sleeping at all? Or worse still, finally falling asleep, only to wake 20 minutes later, over and over, til my alarm blares in my ear and then feel so exhausted I can't even drag my butt out of bed. Yes, I slept much better over 15 months ago, and I look forward to sleeping again.
While I'm not super dedicated to this just yet, I can say it helps. Thank you Lord for Your mercy.

When the time is right...

Do good things really come to those who wait? I don't quite believe so, but healing can. From the things I've read concerning my situation, the average length of time it's taken the survivors to find themselves able to forgive their attackers, has been 10-15 years. Dear Lord, I hope I don't take that long! I want to forgive him, he's a lost child of God, created by my Heavenly Father & loved by Him, just like me. But I have layers and layers of emotions to peel off first. Anger, humiliation, grief, fear, rage, anxiety, numbness, and a plethora of others.

I work through each one as they come, and come again. I look forward to the day when they don't bombard me so. In te beginning, I had to live minute by minute. After a few weeks I graduated to hour to hour. Now I'm kind of between day to day and week to week. My verse today: I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

This verse is actually a wall decal on my living room wall, so I can look at it nearly all the time. It's my reminder to keep ploughing on, because I have Him to help me along, I can't fail, He won't let me.

Living day to day will get easier, because He is holding my hand. And one day, one year, hopefully much sooner than a decade, with Jesus' help, I'll forgive him.

Talketh the heart, to heal thy head...

My head hasn't been right for over a year now, since I suffered a tragic encounter with a co-worker, who wouldn't take "no" for an answer. People have told me since then; to never blame myself, it wasn't my fault, I couldn't have known what he had planned. There's no way to go back and change it. You can only keep living and keep healing.

That's part of what this is, journaling my thoughts to keep track of my progress. And just a place to give 'voice' to my thoughts.





Just like Mal, I'm just looking for some Serenity. Granted, I won't likely find it in the form of a space ship, but I may find it in a new direction in my life. My former career, also like Mal, was mililtary and that career is no more with no chance of resurrection. Can I forget it? No. Do I want to? Sometimes. Does my expiriences both help & haunt me these days? You betcha! More than you can imagine. But I'm going to keep surviving, because the alternative has been considered and has been found wanting.

"...Burn the land and boil the sea, you can't take the sky from me."


The verse I'm clinging to today:

James 4:8

Come near to God and He will come near to you.