As jacked up as Jayne is in this shot, that's how bad I have been feeling. Only I don't have any guns to shoot. Once again, sleep is the number one culprit, leading the way for jumpiness, flashbacks and more bloody nightmares. A sidekick to sleep loss, I believe, is the waiting to hear that my attacker has finally been completely let go from the exact same job I lost because of him. My career was demolished, most folks would say it's only fair that his is too. But "Vengeance is Mine, saith the Lord." Part of me is very glad, maybe he won't harm anyone else, maybe he's learned his lesson. I can only hope this is the case. The rest of me is a confused bundle of bitterness and sorrow. I had a good thing going, til it all came crashing down, because I wasn't going to let him get away with what he did. I spoke up. Made my superiours look bad, they tried to sweep it under the rug. But I had a few champions in my corner, who weren't willing to let me be denied some justice. They stood for me, when I wasn't capable of standing. I owe a lot to my advocates. I'm grateful they were there for me. People who should have been there for me, weren't. Maybe they were ashamed of me, maybe they didn't want to believe it. Either way, selfishly, they weren't there when I needed them the most. Making those who were there, look even more the hero.
My memories are like the Reavers, and they'll tear me apart if I let them. I can hardly face the nightmares. A man was waiting behind me in line at the petrol counter yesterday, and he wasn't even terribly close to me, just there. I couldn't handle it, I nearly ran out once my transaction was done. I can't live like this. It'll get better, I know it will, it'll get better, I just keep telling myself....
No comments:
Post a Comment